Friday, January 27, 2017

And Life Goes On....

I keep thinking that I should write a post.  Then I put it on my "to do" list....and it is promptly forgotten!  In my defense, it has been a busy couple of years.  The best part has been the addition of the 4 grandchildren...with another due in the Spring.  I did not want to be a grandma.  Thought that would mean I was old.  It didn't mean that at all.  They bring such new life and sunshine that it's amazing!  Thank you Lord for blessing us with Summer, Levi, Sawyer and Jaxxon.  I can't wait to meet Baby B!

December 29, 2015, I was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.  Ok, being honest, it just plain sucks.  I've gone through chemo, an aborted whipple due to mets on liver and lungs, more chemo.  Mets disappeared then there were more.  Right now, I'm in a holding pattern.  Maybe a trial, maybe more chemo..guess I will find out next month.  Pain is controlled by drugs so the worst for now is just being so very tired.  Because I look ok and still am able to do a lot of things, some people think I'm not "sick" or dying.  The oncologist gave me 3-6 months August, 2015.  I've beaten that....I've made it past the 11 months that only about 15% hey, I'm doing all right.

PC has changed the way I think and feel about a lot of things....  or maybe it is facing the reality of death that has changed my point of view.  Without a doubt in my mind, God has got this....  there is a Bible verse, Job 3:25, For the thing which I greatly feared has come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me, which comforts me greatly.  Prayers have helped me get through this...both my own and those of family and friends.  Some things are no longer planning for the future, immediately answering a phone call or text message, worrying about what other people think...or even shopping...  I have had to find the most important things and focus on those...  my husband and my family....and taking care of myself by creating the most stress free environment possible.  One of those is only talking about about cancer or doctors or test results when I want  to...not when someone else does.  So I hope people don't find me selfish but instead understand and respect whatever coping mechanisms I need to use.

I worry about my husband.  I try not to worry but I can't seem to get past that.  Bill is such a good man. He is a wonderful husband, father and grandfather. We've been married for almost 35 years and gone through more than most can even imagine.  I know, without a doubt, that he has made me feel like his Queen....and I know that he will get through this with God's help...I just wish he didn't have to.  In my head, I know God will continue to bless his life and will give him peace and comfort but sometimes my heart is not so firmly planted.

My children...I love them with all my heart and am proud of each of them.  I was not a perfect mother, have yet to meet one...,but did the best I knew how.  I made a whole lot of mistakes and for those, I am very sorry!  If they were to ever read this, which I doubt...I would ask them to get in contact with old family friends and relatives to help them relive some of their childhood to see if their recollections were truly correct.  I believe they will find that many of their recollections were, sadly, misconstrued and that memories are not always reality.  I would want them to know that my love for them has always been unwavering, no matter the circumstances...and that there is nothing more important than family.  The most important thing in the world to me was that my children grew up to become close adults.  It's taken me all of my 59 years to realize that I can't make that happen but I will spend my last breath praying the good Lord somehow finds a way that the future will hold that for them.

Whew, I wrote way more than intended and probably shared too much but hopefully I will be able share some of my journey along this path...  and crafting...I have to share that since it is what this blog was started for.